as I sit here in some of the final hours before I set off on a 36 hour bus ride to sleep in a tent sometimes, considering how I got myself (and others!) into this situation comes pretty naturally.

"ringleader" is a word I've chosen very specifically to reflect my exact position on the team...somewhere between captain, narrator, secretary and mascot.

I am not the lead singer...check the console, Zi gets the Player 1 slot for her microphone...any gamer or big brother viscerally understands what that means.

I don't play many instruments very well...I have a bass but it didn't qualify for the tour, maybe I'll endear myself to everyone by practicing my mini-accordion on some 4-hour trip between Canadian cities.

instead, for the purposes of this band the title "ringleader" means, like Al Capone, that I do a big chunk of the imagineering and admin work.

the musicians make sound. I make waves.

I personally made most of the decisions that led to whatever outcome. I named the band and doodled the logo thingy. I write sins and tragedies. I compose copy, answer emails, and make magic. it is I.

I have also volunteered to be the one people look at the most, so it's my responsibility to take a lot of that attention and redirect it to my much more musical bandmates.

I am a funnel. it starts with "fun."

...and so sure it means I positioned conspicuously in band photos, but that also means I am the primary target of animadversion.

can't just claim responsibility when things go right...what am I, God?

nope I get too much credit when things go right and too much blame when they go wrong. yup I'm great. oops my bad. yes it's me.

there can be no debate: any bullshit comes straight to my shoes first. I get quacked at by venue owners. I get probed by clients on the lack of timely service. everyone comes to >this guy< in search of The Almighty Envelope.

if anything goes wrong, it's gotta be my fault unless otherwise obvious.

...but even then it's still a little bit my fault, right?  I mean who even brought that asshole in here to start with? 

no I am not the whole house but I am definitely the doorway.

otoh even if it falls furthest, it is kinda cool to sit at the head of the mech. best view.

...and not like I can Tell People What to Do, not huge on hierarchy...but what I can do is know wtf I'm talking about and make lots of suggestions.

AND I can stfu when I don't as well, see that's the part people don't get.

...but yes, this is my mental model of leadership. 

I wrote this today so I can reread it tomorrow...if I ever question myself, we had this conversation already bro.

I wear a big gold title belt to bear these things in mind...maybe a flashier presentation, but not far off from the old tale about the advisor assigned to swim behind some triumphant Caesar through rivers of adulation, his whisper an anchor that gives the sovereign license to take a safe flight:

"you are just some guy. this is 3 kilos of cardboard and a battery pack."

I am about to shove 5 adult human beings into a van and drive them 0.0198 astronomical units across mountain and desert for musical purposes.

...but what makes me special, if anything, is my ability to stare that reality in the face and walk toward it anyway. run headlong into it. wearing shoes I painted for the occasion.

I'm sane enough to realize you gotta be kinda crazy to try something like this.

I pedal and pedal but in the end at best I am a conduit. any electricity generated by this science project flows through me and ideally, into you.

here's hoping we complete the circuit together.

all power to The People.

--Flor!